She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
