I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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