a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize