If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
