In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Someone signed my nipple.
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