I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
