We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
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