Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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