just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
