I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Randomize
