Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
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