I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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