Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
