i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
