he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I just want nice things and good sex
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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