Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
