She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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