I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
