when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
They are going to name an STD after you.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
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