a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Randomize
