you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Randomize
