I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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