I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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