your parents love me but you hate me
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
