Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize