As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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