They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
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