I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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