Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
