so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
