Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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