ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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