I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
