DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize