Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
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