I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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