Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Randomize
