i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
