NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
