A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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