come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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