Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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