I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Randomize
