Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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