He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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