i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Randomize
