He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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