No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
