Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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