I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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