You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
