man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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