The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
