I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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