Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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