All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I wish there were birth control emojis
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
