I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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