Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
