if you like me you must not know who I am
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize