he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
