We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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