life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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