HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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