i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
She's like a pop up book from hell.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
